no more pregnancies = no more babies

I am trying to prepare myself for no more babies (no more pregnancies = no more babies) for our family. We have talked about this a lot, I know. But Courtney is really the last baby for our family. We are ending off on a good baby that is for sure. I know, I know, Carly was supposed to be our last, same with Catie, and then Caroline. Yup. We even printed that in Caroline's birth announcement. But, hey we ended up with six wonderful kids instead. Our six pac. Our six children. Our six C's. Or as my cousin Riki typed to me our cix-pac! Our half dozen kids. We are complete!

But still even today, I see a pregnant person and I feel envious, sad and happy all at the same time. Sad that I will not carry a baby anymore, sad that I will not see any more tiny little feet, or soft little heads, or froggy bodies. No small little pinky fingers or that newborn smell that belong our kids.

I am also happy that I was so fortunate and blessed be able to carry 6 out 7 pregnancies to term and to go on to have healthy and happy kids with very few health issues. To me that is such a relief! I count my blessings, and feel such joy when I see the kids all around us! Such joy. It just makes me happy to my very core.

So, this journey you see will be one of a big changes for me, and for our life as a family. I need to work through the sad feelings I feel at different times, and accept them, acknowledge them and move on. That is the part I am going to struggle with. But, I know something good will come from all of this. I know with time that those feelings of sadness and what ifs will fade, and know we can really enjoy our kids as they grow up! We are starting a new phase together as a family of eight people. I think it is just the fact that I feel like this is what I was meant to do with my life. And now, it feels like the very exciting years of pregnancy and birth are gone. Not to say that there will be nothing exciting ahead ;D

I have told Cliff that I feel useless now, now that my 'job' is done. And he keeps saying yes that part of my life is done, but there is so much more to my 'job' left. My job as a Mom is far from over. And yes he is right about that! Cliff said that all of these kids will always need me for quite some time! And yes, he is right of course. And he also told me at that moment, to look around the room and really look at what we had created together in the last 8 years. And, I did. I really looked around.

Through my tears that morning, I saw six kids that we created together in our love for one another. I saw Cameron, Claire, Carly, Catie, Caroline and Courtney and of course my wonderful husband, cheerleader and support person which was Cliff! And to me that is my life. Right there in front of me. My wonderful family. At that moment I said to myself through the tears that I am so thankful for this journey. Thankful for my family. I was so happy to be a Mom and Wife!

Most people would probably be doing a hip hip hooray to this phase of their life being over, but for almost 10 years of my life this has been my life. I don't really remember doing anything in the past that was as challenging, frustrating or rewarding all at the same time. I only know how to be a Mom now. I was really great at getting pregnant, delivering these kids and breastfeeding. Now that this part of life is done, it is like quiting cold turkey. I am so fine with it, but I have to mourn this loss so to speak.

Give me time, and I know I will find myself. And, thankfully this journey to motherhood has really changed me. I like to think Motherhood has made me a different, more caring person. Perhaps ten years ago I may have looked better, but seriously the person inside of me today is way better. Motherhood will do that to you. It changes you to the core. That is a good thing.

It will be an interesting road to travel that is for sure. We have lots to be thankful for, and many great years ahead.